What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 00:34
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
All the time i was locked up.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
What pleasure do guys get by sucking female breasts?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I don,t even have a pension.
My family never makes their pension either.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She loved him until the end.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
What should every American know before traveling to the UK?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
If an abortion doesn’t affect you, why do people make it a big deal?
I will be 64.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
As i do to all so called friends.?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But ive been too sick for many years..
Isn’t freedom of speech and expression an absolute right?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She found it foreign!.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We all went to grammer schools
(And it was in our own minds.)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Who then, do I blame.?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It was going to be , some day.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is soul school!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And i lived it daily.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She married twice! .
I was 9 years of age.
I have no regrets .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Would this be the day?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I said to her
My life is so biszare .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Put me off passion for life!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One cannot live in the past .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So, i spoilt her more .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Comes on , in middle age.
But, we were locked up after school.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was very sick at this time too.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Especially a lifetime of it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I write beautiful poetry .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was in good health!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
What did i know ?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im still living with it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She wouldn,t have been !
I was scared of men, in general
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I waited trembling.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He knew the spot.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So whats the point in blame.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Ive learnt so much.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But it wasn’t much.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was seconnd youngest,
We were not on the streets..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
When she asked me how she looked .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .